


Can't Hold Back

by BellsTail



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Crying, Dry Humping, Guilt, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 13:30:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9273950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BellsTail/pseuds/BellsTail
Summary: Armin deals with the aftermath of witnessing the terrible things that happen during their expeditions and Eren just wants to comfort him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is also kind of a fill to a three year old request on the snk kink meme here:
> 
> http://snkkink.dreamwidth.org/524.html?thread=1152524#cmt1152524
> 
> "eren and armin hugging and armin just starts dry humping him and eren lets him <3  
> and please do it angsty and heart breaking for some reason"

Seeing people lose their lives right in front of him never gets easier. Armin doesn't register the deaths at first when his own life is constantly at stake. During their missions, there's no time to grieve, to think, to feel anything but fear and the rush of adrenaline. 

When their expeditions end and everyone is safe and back inside the walls again, there is suddenly time to reflect and all the memories come flooding in and eat away at him. He knows the others are processing everything that's happened too, but he doesn't think the way he feels is normal. Every death he recalls makes him feel like he is sinking into a hole that keeps getting deeper and escape impossible. He wants to scratch away at his eyes and head to bring himself back but resists the urge and ignores his twitching, anxious fingers. 

When the time comes, Armin makes a report to the commander on behalf of his fallen squad leader. He fumbles with his hands and keeps breaking eye contact while giving a relay of the events that haven't left his mind since they occurred that early morning. 

The other guys in his squad told him that they could've gone instead, but Armin thinks this is something he owes to them for not being the most helpful teammate. Besides, every little detail is imprinted in his head. 

The commander notices his discomfort with sympathy. Once all the necessary information is recorded, he dismisses Armin quickly without any further questions. 

Walking back to the dorms, Armin doesn't feel relief or sadness. After everything he just went through, his body almost feels light, like he went a whole night without sleep. The shock of today must have made him completely mindless. 

"Armin!" A familiar voice calls out from behind him. 

He turns around quickly and there's Eren and Mikasa running up to him, each looking slightly worn out in their own ways but still in good shape as though they could do everything again if they wanted to. 

Like if the mission were just another one of their daily exercises they excelled at. He knows he himself looks like the actual hell he went through, with tousled hair, tattered clothes, and tired eyes.

Unlike him, Eren and Mikasa don't let their hardships show. This time, for some reason, it doesn't bother him as much as it usually would. 

"Where are you going, Armin?" Eren asks gruffly when they reach his side. "Aren't you going to grab a meal with us before the food runs out?" 

They both look worriedly at him, Eren actually appearing kind of angry, and Armin lowers his gaze to lessen the guilt knotting up inside. 

"I'm... really exhausted from these past couple of days, so I wanted to go to bed early..." He's not really all that tired but he doesn't want to surround himself with the others. The other people he'll also likely lose someday. 

He didn't have much of an appetite anyway. 

The disapproval radiates from them both, Eren furrowing his eyebrows and Mikasa frowning. Armin wants to shrink in himself.

"We don't get to eat much during missions. I don't think it's a good idea to skip out on even more food, Armin." Eren's intense scrutinization doesn't allow Armin to look away from him. 

"I know but, I'm not really hungry." It pains Armin to neglect his wellbeing right in front of his friends like this. He wouldn't like it either if one of them were saying the same things he was. 

"I'll eat first thing in the morning, but right now I really want to sleep." He quickly adds. 

None of them say anything for a long moment until Mikasa is about to open her mouth but, seemingly to have a change of heart, Eren stops her. 

"Maybe we should let him rest, Mikasa." His tone of voice is lighter, not as stern as it was seconds before. 

Armin anticipated Eren to be more stubborn, but maybe he does look bad enough for Eren to allow him to skip a meal in favor of sleep. 

His stomach tightens when Eren turns around and gives him a last lingering glance of concern as he leads Mikasa away towards the direction of the mess. He ignores the fluttering feeling as best he can while walking the rest of the way to his dorm.

Once he's finally within the empty walls that is his room, he climbs underneath the blanket of his bed and curls up into a ball. 

He doesn't want to think about anything. He wishes sleep could overtake him. He wishes the ear piercing screams and the spray of blood and human flesh would disappear. 

Witnessing it so many times no longer upsets his stomach like it used to, but each time it always feels like a part of his humanity disappears. Tears don't escape him, but he's not sure if he's too tired mentally to let them out or if he just won't admit he's holding them back.

He tries to shut his mind down and put an end to his swarming thoughts to allow sleep to come, but ends up lying in bed awake for a while. 

The door squeaks open and is closed quietly. He hears the heavy thudding of footsteps and turns over on his side to see Eren standing before him with a piece of bread and a bowl of soup. 

"Hey, Armin." He says with the slightest hint of sheepishness. "I thought it wouldn't hurt to bring you a bit of food. You can eat this quickly so you can get to sleep faster." 

What did Armin do to have such a thoughtful friend like Eren?

Armin sits up, the warm tingling in his body returning. Though he still doesn't feel any hunger, he reaches up and takes the food from Eren's hands delicately, treasuring. He doesn't want to refuse Eren's kindness when he went out of his way for him.

"Thanks." Armin says quietly, head bowed. 

"No problem. Don't want you to wake up starving." Eren takes a seat on the bed parallel to Armin's and reclines back. 

Eren watches him silently as he slowly makes his way through the meal. 

Maybe he should've found it unnerving, but he knew Eren was just making sure he actually ate. Armin's hands did shake somewhat as he lifted the spoon to his mouth, but only because of the giddiness he felt from Eren taking care of him in his own way. 

He was so grateful that even though Eren was going through his own ordeals, he still didn't stop checking up on his friends and making sure they were okay. Eren always had a big heart. 

"Are you going to eat?" 

"I already did, though much quicker than you." 

"Oh..." Armin feels himself deflating.

"Don't feel bad. You know I always eat pretty fast regardless." Eren continues to watch him. 

After the spoon makes its last journey and clatters with a sharp sound when it's dropped into the bowl, Eren stands back up and gently takes the bowl from Armin's hand. 

"There, now you can sleep. I'll leave and get out of your hair." He murmurs.

Eren makes a move to turn and leave, but before Armin can stop himself, he's reaching out and tugging the sleeve of Eren's shirt. 

"Wait, don't go." He begs. 

It's slightly embarrassing to want his friend to stay like he's a child that's scared of the monster under his bed and wants his parent around. While he wants to be away from everyone else, he doesn't want to be alone with his thoughts. And he really did enjoy Eren's presence. 

"Armin?" Eren glances back. 

Armin's looking up to him with his sad blue, defeated eyes that seem to be pleading with him. He grabs Armin's hand in his own and sets the bowl on a nearby table. 

Armin's heartbeat starts to pick up when the warmth of Eren's hand is covering the top of his. Such simple contact, but it makes him ache with a drop of happiness. 

But he knows better than to feel this way towards him. Eren is supposed to be just his friend. 

After Eren settles onto the bed next to him, Armin climbs out from his blanket and wraps his arms around him, resting his head on Eren's shoulder. 

Immediately, Eren coils his own arms around Armin's waist and rubs the small of his back with a palm. 

Armin suppresses a shiver because this is where he loves being at the most, the only place that could maybe make everything feel okay and wishes it could last for the whole night, instead of Eren eventually having to go to his own way. 

"I heard about what happened to your squad." 

The hands that are around Eren fist and bunch up the material of his shirt. Armin lets out a shaky breath. 

"The Titan came out of nowhere. We didn't- didn't have time to react," his voice starts to quiver as he forces himself to speak. "I just saw the Titan lift him up and... eat him alive." 

"E-even if he was being eaten I could still hear his screams." He's trembling now and Eren only tightens his hold around him. There are tears forming in the corner of his eyes and he tries blinking them away. 

Even while he's trying to open up to Eren in hopes it would put his mind to rest and he can move on, recalling the events tear him up from the inside.

He didn't do anything to stop he just watched his comrade die the squad leader would have definitely tried to help him or do something but all he did was watch and run away right after he's so useless he shouldn't have joined he's barely contributed to anything he hasn't even had a kill yet--

"Armin!" 

His name is nearly shouted and it snaps him out of this thoughts when he realizes he had began hyperventilating. 

"It's... it's going to be okay, Armin." Eren says quieter this time. But how could it be?

"Anyone who's lost their life in the survey corps never died a coward. Not to me. And you aren't one either." Eren's voice sounds husky, like maybe this is something that hits Eren emotionally too. To know he shares his hurt is the slightest bit reassuring. 

Eren's words seem to bubble up inside him, through his heart, his stomach, and he lets out a choking-like sob. He knows their deaths usually end in vain, and that's what upsets him the most. But he can't think of himself as brave like Eren can. 

He feels a hand come up to rub soothing patterns into his back; a hand bigger than his and has withstood much abuse.

The broad shoulders he clings to, the strong arms he's being held by, the muscled legs he sitting between-- he enjoys it all, the things he sometimes finds his mind wandering towards and always pushes back because it's not right. Just this time, he allows himself temporary escape in them. 

"And, I'm not going to let you die easily, or anyone else if I can help it." Eren whispers so quietly that Armin thinks that maybe he was speaking to himself, but he hears it clearly. 

It makes the warmth build up and swirl in his lower belly again. 

Fully indulging himself, Armin nuzzles into the collar of Eren's uniform and scoots closer until he freezes when he feels Eren stiffen against him.

Wait. 

That was...?

This couldn't be happening, not right now, not when he was trying to be with Eren. He couldn't be hard. But he was, and Eren definitely felt it. Of course someone like him would get hard just by hugging his friend.

He gives an embarrassed whimper and clings to Eren harder, bracing himself for the inevitable shove or yell. He's on the verge of hyperventilating again. He didn't want this to end so soon. Not the moment, especially not his friendship with Eren. 

Except Eren doesn't move away. Or do anything to express disgust. Instead, he cards his fingers through his hair.

Neither of them are moving and Armin is still trembling and trying to keep his breathing steady. Somehow it doesn't feel awkward, more like there's a sense of anticipation in the air that's dizzying. 

Slowly, he pulls his hips away so Eren doesn't have to feel him, but to his horror, they're rolling back up on their own to rub against Eren's front. 

No, no, no, why was he doing this? 

Eren, again, doesn't move away and lets out a soft sigh and, yeah, Armin definitely needed to stop even if he wanted it very badly. 

He gives another shaky roll of his hips, and another, until he's undeniably grinding against Eren who still does nothing to stop him.

It's maddening. While he doesn't want to stop chasing his pleasure and through Eren nonetheless, he also doesn't want to take advantage of him. 

He's lucky enough to have their friendship, and he should be satisfied with just that. But deep down inside, he doesn't want to suppress the feelings that he's been harboring for his admirable childhood friend any longer nor the sick desire to continue. He's so torn. 

Despite his inner pleadings to himself, Armin can't stop his gross, desperate rutting or the throaty groans he chokes out. It's no longer a shy and hesitant rock of his hips, but a shameless attack of his pelvis onto Eren's.

Eren, damn him for not pushing him away yet, rests a hand on his hip to help steady his sloppy movements. 

Big fat tears roll down his cheeks, onto Eren's shoulder and sobs mix in with his moans when he knows he's not going to hold back anymore. 

He's absolutely disgusting. No better than a pervert. He doesn't deserve to be Eren's friend. Not anymore. Not after this.

Eren is petting his hair, fingers digging softly in some places, and he feels him pushing his nose and mouth on his neck, maybe in an attempt to make Armin feel less bad about himself, but nothing he could do would stop that. Nonetheless, his hips stutter. 

The little friction Armin gains from grinding against Eren while fully clothed doesn't give him much pleasure, but the excitement of it being with Eren drives his arousal forward. 

That it's Eren's breath he feels on his bare neck, his shoulders he's holding, his body he's fully pressed against.

This is something he's daydreamed about for a while, except not nearly as one-sided as it was presently. Like it's something Eren is tolerating and not enjoying. 

"Eren..." he whines into the sleeve of Eren's soaked jacket as his movements become more like a tease than something that will bring him to an end. 

Eren starts to shift and Armin wonders what he's doing until a solid, warm thigh slips between his legs and he accidentally cries out. 

The sounds, nor tears, don't stop as Armin moves across Eren's leg. When his thighs have something to clench onto, it feels much better. 

It doesn't take much more swiveling of his hips for the pit of his stomach to start twisting. Small, pleading whimpers leave him. 

"It's all right, Armin." 

No it's not. 

The pleasure steadily builds up until he's trembling for a different reason when the tension finally snaps inside him. 

He shakes and fully slumps against Eren with the rest of his weight, Eren holding him through the onslaught of the mind-numbing waves. The gesture makes his heart clench, especially when he knows it's the last thing he deserves. 

His pants are now uncomfortably sticky and wet at the front, but he can't bring himself to be bothered by it that much. He hasn't moved away from Eren since he knows that after he lets him go, Eren won't come back after this. 

The tears have slowed down and his sobbing has been replaced with quiet sniffling. 

There was no redeeming his actions, he just simply ruined a friendship. 

Eren's arms move back to their original position to hold him around the waist, keeping him in a warm embrace. Armin wishes Eren would yell at him already. 

Long moments pass with nothing but the sound of their breathing. 

"Was that good...? Do you feel better after that?" He hears Eren asking softly.

The genuineness in Eren's voice surprises Armin enough to make him pull back to catch his face. 

Eren, who'd been looking off to the side, turns to meet his stare. His eyes are full of... worry? Guilt possibly? But why would Eren feel guilty? There was no way Eren could feel guilty for something that was all Armin's fault. 

Or was it embarrassment?

"Armin? How was it?" He persists when he doesn't get an answer, strangely looking like he's lost. 

"Oh, um..." Armin tears his eyes away from him, more self conscious than ever. 

"Yeah," he starts, now untangling himself from Eren. "That was fine. I'll probably sleep easy now." 

He sees a small smile break on the other's face, and a pinch of guilt surges through him once more. 

"That's-that's good. I'm glad I helped you."

Was Eren really worried this whole time about making Armin feel better? Did he not care if he himself was used in the process? Was he even aware that he was? 

Eren gets up from the bed and looks back at Armin. 

"Wait... use this to clean yourself up." Eren digs quickly into his pocket, until Armin sees that he's handing him his treasured survey corps handkerchief. 

Why? 

He takes it with a shaky hand. He can't trust himself to not start crying again by opening his mouth to refuse it. This is way more than what Eren should be giving him. 

"I'll be going now Armin. If you ever need me again, just tell me and I'll be here for you." 

Eren gives him one last assuring smile before closing the door behind him. 

Immediately, Armin covers his face with his hands and bursts into tears. 

Save for a few tears, the handkerchief went unused.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was my first time posting a fic that's for the public and not just for one other person to read... kinda nerve-racking. Love it? Hate it? Let me know.


End file.
